[A Pun is a word or an expression that has two meanings, and is used in a humorous way]
Hints for the Would-be World Traveler:
Are you Hungary for some good food? Try the New Delhi! (but don't drink the water, eh!) Is your spirit crying out for some good music? Try some Seoul music. If you're traveling the Mediterranean by car and need a lube, try Greece. If your dog won't do, your Kathmandu. And, Waikiki when you can watch Helsinki?
Need some new clothes? Try Kashmir. When life gets you down in the Pittsburg, try a Hamburg. No, on second thought, why have a Hamburg, when you can have a Salzburg Steak?!
By way of warning: Better keep your temper in IRE-land if you don't want to be Dublin over. And, be GOOD in IslamaBAD, because everyone and their dog is Pakin', Stan! Finally, don't forget to Czech your pockets from time to time to make sure you haven't Prague-ot anything.
You can Rome around Italy and get a Pisa pizza while you're at it.
If you fly to the Netherlands, you should know that you'll have to go Dutch. And, not far from there you can have a Copenhagen and leave your Denmark in the snow.
Have a Wale of a time in SwanSEA! And, afterward you should be 'Edinburough dee 'ighlands, mee lad. (Am I getting my dialects mixed up here?)
If you like to go bar-hopping, there are Barcelona in Spain. Plus, you can siesta all day and fiesta all night!
If you Canberra week of pure delight, try a visit Down Under, but be careful in the Outback.
It remains to B.C.n, but if you can maneuver from Vancouver to Nova Scotia, you CAN AD A lot of frequent flier miles Ontario your belt.
(That's original material, by Leon of Leon's Planet, ©2011)
If you are into astrology, try this:
Aries -- go to Buenos AIRES
Taurus -- go to IstanBUL
Gemini -- to to The Twin Cities (I forgot their names, but they're in Texas)
Cancer -- go anywhere along the Tropic of Cancer
Leo -- go to Leon, Spain
Virgo -- go to the VIRGIN Islands
Libra -- Go to the Library.
Scorpio -- Crawl under "The ROK" (Republic Of Korea, affectionately called the "ROK")
Saggitarius -- go to Sparta, Amazon
Capricorn -- go to Cape Horn
Acquarius -- Take a cruise anywhere. (or a submarine, for that matter)
Pices -- go to FIN land (L.O.L.)
(Again, that is original material by Leon of Leon's Planet, ©2011)
New Books on the Market
You've read the classics, I'm sure, such as:
1. Yellow River, by I.P. Standing, and
but have you read: (Yes, I wrote this by myself, I didn't copy nor plagiarize. Any similarity to other material is purely coincidental.)
1. Check's in the Mail, by Penny Leslie
2. May Flowers, by April Showers
3. Dirty Money, by Phil D. Luker
4. How to Pass All Your Exams, by B. Wright
5. How to Get Wealthy Fast, by Mary D. Rich
6. My Final Message to the Whole Human Race, by I. M. Dunn
7. Making the Best Wreath, by Holly Hunter
8. Working Hard, by Har Dliwor King
9. Doing Time, by Ben Baad
10. Male Enhancement, by Little Richard
11. How to Be the Greatest Salesperson in the World, by B.S. Slinger
12. How to Pray, by Neal Down
13. One Gore in the Pocketbook May Have Been Better Than Two in the Bush, by D. Dent Voght & Wish I. Haad
14. The Ten Commandments of Dating, by Ben Hurt
15. Shark Bait, by Bob Bing
16. The Male Libido, by U. R. Haught
17. The Female Libido, by R. U. Richie
18. Tying the Knot, by Owa Tafu Liam
19. Why Are We Getting Fatter?, by Lay Z. Butz
20. The Best Way to Lose Weight, by Ghettov Ure Caboose.
(The above puns were made by me, Leon of Leon's Planet, ©2011)
Actual Business Signs: Puns Galore
(not by Leon, author unknown)
1. On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
-----meanings of the pun: "shorts" 1. short pants, 2. electrical fault
2. Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
-----meanings of the pun: "take a leak" 1. take a leaky radiator, 2. urinate
3. In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
-----meanings of the pun: "smoking" 1. v.i.- making smoke (because of being on fire), 2, v.i./v.t. inhaling smoke from a cigar or cigarette
4. On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
-----a "maternity room" is a room in a hospital where mothers give birth
-----if I need to explain this one, your brain needs a jump-start
5. On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
-----no pun here
6. At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
-----opt means eye; meter means measure; ist means person; hence, optometrist is an eye[sight]-measuring person
-----either you don't see what you're looking for, because it's not there, or you have bad eye sight. The optometrist assumes the latter.
7. On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
-----usually it is written: "Gone Fishin'", which sounds like "Gone Fission", but of course "Fission" is a scientist's word.
8. On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
-----tax means order; derm means skin; ist means person; hence, taxidermist is a person who takes the skin off a dead animal (by cutting it), then puts it "in order", and stuffs it.
-----meanings of the pun: "stuff" 1. things, 2. material to fill something (stuffing, n.)
9. In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
-----original saying: "Time heals all wounds."
10. On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
-----original saying: "Let me meet your needs."
11. On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
-----original saying: "Pleased to meet you."
12. At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
-----original saying: "...in first class condition."
13. On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
-----no pun here
14. At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
-----meanings of the pun: "get back on your feet" 1. start walking again, 2. recover from a problem
15. Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
-----no pun here
16. Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
-----homophone: inn(motel)-experienced and in(not)-experienced
17. At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
-----I don't get it
18. In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
-----meanings of the pun: "drop your pants" 1. let your pants down, 2. drop off your pants
19. On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
-----no pun here
20. In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
-----no pun here
21. On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
-----original expression: "Out Shoppin'." (similar sound)
22. At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be." (meaning: you will be de-lighted (meaning: your lights will be down/off)
23. In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
-----original expression: "Die now!"
24. On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
-----no pun here, just a play on words
25. On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
-----original expression: "Out for a quick bite." (meaning: "...for a quick bite to eat.")
26. In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
-----meanings of the pun: "get fed up" 1. be given food until full, 2. be sick and tired of (sth)
27. Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
-----meanings of the pun: "pin" 1. a small tool for piercing, 2. a wooden stick to be knocked over
28. In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
-----meanings of the pun: "shoes are required to eat" 1. shoes are required FOR YOU to eat, 2. shoes (themselves) are required to eat.
29. On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
-----original expression: "Back in a minute."
-----Bach /bak/ was a famous musical composer
-----Minuet /min-ju-et/ is a kind of musical composition
30. In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
-----no pun here... nice sentiment
31. In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
-----no pun here... so true.
A little Church Pun
Why do we say "aMEN" instead of "aWOMEN"at the end of songs in church?
Because we sing "hymns" instead of "hers".
A little Baseball Pun
This is a detective story so pay close attention!!!
Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first Yankees
baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park. The game
is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely mixing the
Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.
Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players
are on base?
[meaning of the pun: "fifth" (1) fifth1 = fifth inning, (2) fifth2 = a fifth of a gallon of liquor]
[meaning of the pun: "the bags are loaded"...
(1)Baseball Slang: bag = base; loaded = all three bases are full
(2)General Slang: bag = old lady; loaded
= fully drunk, fully intoxicated
The Blind Man
A Catholic convent is renovating a room. The Mother Superior orders two nuns to paint the room, but commands not to get any paint on their clothes. So the two nuns lock the door, take off all their clothes and proceed to paint the room. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door. "Who is it?" asks one of the nuns through the door. "Blind man," comes the reply. The two nuns look at each other and decide that a blind man would be permitted. So, they open the door. The man says, "Nice Boobs! Now, where do you want these blinds?"
Fable: "The Chubby Little Fly"
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit!
[The Pun: "fly off the handle" has two meanings:
(1) the literal meaning: to jump off a handle in order to fly;
(2) the figurative meaning: to yell out of anger.
The Pun: "be full of shit" has two meanings:
(1) the literal meaning: to contain feces.
(2) the figurative meaning: to have useless or erroneous information]
A toothless termite story
A toothless termite walks into a bar and asks: "Is the bar tender here?"
"Is the bar tender here?" has two meanings:
(1) Is the person who tends bar here?
(2) Is this part of the bar tender? (because I have no teeth)
A true-story pun about Swallows
One summer day in Mongolia, my 12-year-old son and I were walking outside. My son noticed a lot of swallows flying around. He said, "Dad, what are the swallows doing?" I answered, "They're swallowing!"