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5 Stages of drunkenness

Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.  Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cause you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.  At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

(Thanks to Eric Aumen for sending this one!)

 

"One Million Dollars or My Daughter"

A millionaire collected live alligators, which he kept in the pool at his mansion.  The guy also had a beautiful daughter, who was single.  One day he threw a big party during which he announced, "My dear guests--I put a proposition to every man here.  I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed."  Suddenly there was a large splash, and everybody gawked as a guy cut and swam across the pool, swimming like Tarzan going to save Jane.  The crowd cheered the guy on as he kept churning through the water.  Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.  The millionaire was impressed, saying, "My boy, that was incredible.  Fantastic. I didn't think it could be done.  Well I must keep my end of the bargain--which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"  The guy says, "Listen, fella, financially, I'm doing all right, so don't want your money.  And I'm married so I can't have your daughter.  BUT WHAT I DO WANT IS THE S.O.B. WHO PUSHED ME INTO THE FRIGGIN' POOL!!"

[Author Unknown]

 

The Dam's Broken!!!

A man suddenly starts running through the middle of town yelling, "The Dam's broken! Everyone run for your lives! The Dam's broken."

Another man becomes startled and begins to run after the yelling man for his life. Then, the second man stops, and thinks aloud, "What dam?"

[From the popular comic strip: "Born Loser"]

 

Three Lessons for Management

Lesson Number One:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on
the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: BS might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there.

Lesson Number Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep crap, keep your mouth shut.

[Author Unknown]

"Deaf Mute Mob Accountant"

Messing with the Mob A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... ..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

[Author Unknown]

Problems with Program:  "Husband 1.0"

 
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend-5.0 to Husband-1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend-5.0.

In addition, Husband-1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance-9.9 and then installed other, undesirable programs such as NFL-5.0 and NBA-3.0.

Conversation-8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning-2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging-5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What do I do?

Signed,

Desperate

 

Dear Desperate:


Keep in mind, Boyfriend-5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband-1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears-6.2. Husband-1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty-3.0 and Flowers-7.0.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy/Silence-2.5, Happyhour-7.0 or Beer-6.1. Beer-6.1 is a very bad program that will create & quote; Snoring Loudly & quote; wave files. 

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law-1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband-1.0.

In summary, Husband-1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood-3.0 and Lingerie-5.3.

Also remember, running Nagging-5.3 too often can sometimes cause Husband-1.0 to secretly install Mistress-1.0, which would then require you to run Private Investigator-7.5 utility and possibly even Attorney-9.0, which could lead to a system wide failure and the need to reboot Husband 1.0!


Signed,

Tech Support

[Author Unknown]

Leon's Laws of Life: (So true, it's funny)

1. If you get injured and are rolling on the ground in incredible pain, and shouting foul language (or trying not to), AND OBVIOUSLY NOT OKAY, someone will inevitably ask: "Are you okay?"

2. The same day you polish your shoes (or have them polished), either someone will step on them or you'll accidentally step in some mud, or a car will splash dirty water all over them, etc.

3. You can wear a freshly dry-cleaned and pressed shirt only once. Someone will either spill something on it, or you will stain it yourself, accidentally.

4. As soon as you say, "Everything's going fine," something will happen to upset your rosy day. [The only way to prevent this from happening is to knock on wood.]

5. As soon as you save up enough money for a luxury item, something happens which necessitates you spending the exact same amount of money on something much more urgent.

6. If by some twist of fate, you were able to spend your savings on your luxury item, the emergency financial situation will appear IMMEDIATELY afterward, when you have no money.

7. After a long love drought, suddenly it will rain potential lovers.  [And you wonder, why can't they come one at a time instead of all at once, when I can only choose one????]

8. Then, when you have several potential lovers to choose from, you will always choose the wrong one. [It's inevitable].

9. The potential lovers that chase you are the ones you don't want. The potential lovers that you chase don't want you.

10.  You can either find a possible mate with a great personality (and bad body), or a great body (and a bad personality).  You cannot have both.

[by Leon]

 

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